My mom died on a Tuesday morning in March. The suddenness of it all still wakes me up in the middle of the night. I remember vividly that heart-breaking morning when my mom’s sister called me at 3 a.m.
Shock. Pain. Loneliness. Grief. Guilt. Heart-broken. Sadness. I’ve been deep in these intense feelings over the last four weeks.
Deep down we always know that we will outlive our parents but when it happens – especially when it happens so unexpectedly – it hits us like a freight train.
I wasn’t close with my mom but I thought about her every day. It pained me to see her unrealized potential, shackled by the weight of poor decisions and generational trauma. For years, I was just so angry about every thing. When I saw the first opportunity to leave my past behind and took it. (Being the first one in my family to graduate highschool and university.)
But over many years away, I’ve gained better perspective and understanding. I got to know my mother’s story, and history. We exchanged letters where I was able to ask questions about her youth, my biological father and some family history. (Our family doesn’t talk about feelings, and trying to get information about something was like pulling teeth. Also my parents have never owned or used a computer.) I wanted to visit more over the years but it wasn’t feasible due to my financial ability, living in another country or whatever.
I’m happy we had a good visit in September. It helped me on many levels – and it helped lift a heavy weight off my shoulders.
Grief and guilt – do they always go hand and hand?
All my life I have always felt extremely guilty and selfish when I am happy or things are going well. I would always think that I should be doing more to help mom and dad. I don’t deserve to be happy when they are struggling.
My mother’s death has filled me with incredible pain and grief. I’ve always felt alone and unsupported in this world but now I feel even more alone. Thankfully I’ve my mom’s sister has continued to pick up the phone when I am crying uncontrollably and not making any sense. My stepdad’s sister has always been here too – trying to talk sense and reason about my ability to make things right.
I have been living on autopilot since mom died. I couldn’t eat for days then I did the opposite of eating everything in sight. I had no desire to run or move from my couch for weeks. I numbed the pain by watching Netflix series for hours.
But the fog is beginning to lift. I have started running again, and leaving the house.
The trip to Nova Scotia was a short and painful one. I will be back in July to sort things out further and go through my mom’s stuff with my stepdad. I am looking forward to going back. I am worrying about my stepdad every day now – how will he live without my mom. They were together for nearly 50 years and she did everything for him.
I am feeling more like myself but sad. Everything I read tells me that all these feelings are normal. They are an expression of where I am right now, and that’s okay. I am trying to get into grief counselling but for now I have been journaling and talking through things with a few close friends.
Crystal, you have expressed your grief and emotions in a way that speaks from the heart. What you didn’t say was how much you took on when your Mom passed. I was glad to be a support but you took charge and got things done. It took a toll on you as it did not give you time to grieve . I wish to still be a support to you any way I can. There are going to many challenges in the year to come as we try to help and support Bronson .